My Mom

Posted on 12 May, 2013 by Heather
My Mom, Logan and me. The fact she is actually looking at the camera is a miracle.

My Mom, Logan and me. The fact she is actually looking at the camera is a miracle.

My Mom. Cindy. CD. Puff. Twinks. Nama. My buddy. The woman who forever and ever has put everyone else ahead of her in line. Every single day of her life she has put herself behind others- a gift for us but a gift I wish she would give herself. That is my Mother’s Day wish for her.

My Mom (and Dad truthfully) has always been there for me and my brother. Growing up she worked a job to ensure she was home when we got on the bus and home when we got off the bus. She has worked the same jobs since I can remember (2 jobs for those of you counting). Not glamorous, not fancy but one in which she has touched the lives of countless students filling their day with a sliver of love and warmth. She was there when we got off the bus- and for the handful of times she wasn’t, you better bet I wasn’t allowed to have a single boy in the house or the neighbor told on me.

She always wanted a better life for us than the one she had. She had many people that loved her in her life growing up but also has had one of the toughest roads of anyone I know.

She always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be except for be a professional dancer in NYC. :-) She dreamed big for us and still does to this day. She was a subtle feminist. “Don’t rely on a man for money, make the money yourself” she would tell me. So true Mom, so true.

Even when money was tight my dance classes and recital costumes were always the first things paid for. I memorized Cinderella because she read it to me so many times. She taught me how to bake, set a table and have impeccable manners that I use in the fanciest restaurants that I seem to end up in today. She would say to me “you can walk into any designer store and if you have manners and class they will never know how much money you really have”. I thought of that as I walked through Bergdorf Goodman’s in NYC just last week.

She is the first person I call when something goes right or wrong. When I’m sick, I call and ask for chicken soup (and yes, she makes me gluten free noodles). She is better with the grandkids than sometimes the parents are, but that’s the role of a Grandma (or Nama as Logan calls her). She will still tell me how many years it has been since I moved back from DC (11 for those keeping score) and whenever I bring up moving to the ocean she tries not to react. But I think even she will admit that my move was the best thing I ever did for me. I found myself and valued my family even more. I came back a better person.

We can fight like cats and dogs. It hasn’t always been pretty. It still isn’t. But that’s what happens between Mom’s and daughters. Oil and water. Those teens years were ugly. There have been times that she hurt me and I hurt her. Both of which I am sure we would take back in a second but it is our story. Part of the journey.

She always told me “You need a man that will challenge you. You will kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince.” I will never tell how many toads there were, but she was right. There were some that loved me and some that didn’t. She had opinions on all of them- some of which she shared and some that she bit her tongue on. But when I moved back from DC she said “He’s around here. I think you need to drive up and down Niagara Falls Boulevard. He’s close by.” Joe’s office was one street over. Her theory still holds true.

And then the day came when I became a Mom. She was there, along with my Dad and my in-laws and has never waivered. When I was knee deep in post-partum depression she was there. When I cried needing advice, she was there. When I needed to take a nap, go on a date, hear that I was pretty, need a home cooked meal- she was there. Then I understood. And when I realize what she did and how I treated her I will call her up and say “I am so sorry. Logan told me he didn’t love me today and that hurt and I did that and I am so sorry.” I believe we owe that to our parents. It acknowledges them and their sacrifices.

When I stand up and make a speech in front of hundreds of people, my Mom is the shy one sitting in the back thinking “I don’t know where she gets THAT from.” Yet she gave me the foundation, the cheerleading section and the push that told me I could be whatever I wanted to be.

Just last night I was on the phone with her and we got laughing so hard I was crying. Tears streaming down my face. A gift. A Blessing. My buddy. So this Mother’s Day my wish for her is that she see’s the gifts in herself that she gives to others and will now give it to herself.  She is worth it. Thank you Mom for all that you have given us. Words are never enough but know that your gifts and legacy are tremendous. I don’t take a single day with you for granted. xo

First day of school a long time ago.

First day of school a long time ago.

 

 

 

 

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Motherhood: Gratitude for Bathroom Door Locks

Posted on 11 May, 2013 by Heather

In celebration of this Mother’s Day I thought maybe the funnier side of being a Mom would bring us all a little laugh and celebrate the tiny moments that we take for granted in the day to day of being a Mom.

It’s a lovely Saturday night after a busy week. I am in the bathtub, glass of wine, aromatherapy candles, smutty novel- peace. <knock knock knock> “Mom, why are the lights off in there? Are you in the tub? I want to see you?” “Logan, you are not coming in.” “Are you using my toys?” “No” “But I have to go to the bathroom.” “Then use the bathroom downstairs. Logan, can I just have some quiet please. I’ll be out in a little while.” “But you have been in there a long time. When are you coming out? I want to know. You know, I still have to go to the bathroom. You should really leave the lights on” Thank goodness for bathroom door locks.

Recently, I was traveling for work and I get a text from Joe: Interesting conversation with Logan at dinner. He asked me how we met. Make sure you ask him for the story when you get home. So a few days later I mention “Hey, Dad told me that you heard the story about how we met. What did he tell you?” “Well, one night he went on the computer and typed in a bunch of stuff and it told him that you were a perfect match and you went for coffee and talked a lot and then got married.” I guess it’s kind of like that.

Around President’s Day he’s in the back seat and I know a deep thought is coming. “Mom, didyaknow that there has never been a girl President. Mom, that just isn’t fair.” “No Logan it isn’t fair but Mom works really hard to make the world better for women so that some day there will be a woman President.” “That’s good Mom.”

Dandelions in vases. A plastic egg found in my briefcase mid-week from a killer game of Hide the Eggs. Little hands pulling back the sheets to climb in for a Sunday morning cuddle. The art of trying to be supportive yet squish the fear of bees. Chalk drawings filling the driveway- the whole neighborhood knows our last name for sure. Endless games of “pickle in the middle”. Sealed envelopes containing endless post-it notes saying “I love you”.    Squishy cheeks. Piggy toes. Belly laughs. 1,254 questions in the span of a 20 minute car ride to my Mom’s house.

This weekend we celebrate the funny moments, heart strings, memories and joys of being a Mom and the little people that allow us to have that name. Yes there are the tantrums, mistakes, guilt and spills but this weekend let’s not think about those. Let’s honor the tiny moments that collectively make up the big moments. They are what truly matter.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. xo

 

Easter 2013 187

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Making a Believer Out of Me

Posted on 26 April, 2013 by Heather

So much affects how we view ourselves and how we feel about the person that we are. Good or bad.

Last week the Dove commercial went viral and I will say, it was an eye opening experience for me. I watched it and cried. Sent it to friends. They cried. Then I started thinking about it. Just recently one of my best friends called me out on calling myself “fat” in an email. Then another friend said to me in another conversation “would you talk to me the way you talk to yourself?”. Both of them made me stop, reflect and think. They were right and I was wrong.

Then you add in a dash of Brittany Herself, one of my most favorite bloggers, on a quest to change the way women think about themselves and their bodies. Recently she did something amazing, gutsy and daring. She wore on a bikini on the internet.  A curvy girl in a bikini on the internet. I bow down to her. But her writings, Google show and all around crusade has me thinking even more. Can we ever just accept and celebrate? Embrace ourselves for who we are as we are right now? Ending self doubt and celebrating ourselves. Is that possible?

On top of all this personal reflection, you add in professional angst and you have yourself a really difficult week. Self doubt coupled with really critical people and you have yourself a perfect personal shit storm. Sometimes people are cruel. Sometimes they say and do  things and instead of processing it in a managable way, it enters right into your skin and you can’t process it at all, you just own all of it and your self doubt increases. It hurts and all the good that you may feel about yourself and your abilities may go right out the window in that moment.

But then you think about the seeds that are planted. The Dove ad, the voices of friends, reading positive things that build us up and the tide turns a little at a time. Believeing in ourselves comes easier to some than to others. Behind many confident exterior appearances lies a foundation that is a little unsteady.

Yet, this week when the unsteady was more evident than the confident, I had friends that saw it, dusted me off and said “f’ em”. They helped me find the good, bring the confidence and process the criticism. All the while I thought about the importance of connecting with those that support us and help us become believers in ourselves. And the best part? We can always return the favor.

Changing the way we view ourselves to the positive takes a lot of time, practice, patience and cheerleaders. And sometimes others cheer for you louder than you cheer for yourself. They may make a believer out of me yet. So thanks friends- near and far.

 

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An Ode to a Husband

Posted on 11 April, 2013 by Heather

So, currently I am in the not-so-sunny city of Detroit, Michigan. I have been harrassed for my geography knowledge of the State of Michigan by putting up my hand to indicate cities and areas of interest- but I digress. (Just ask anyone from Michigan or people that love Michigan, like me, and they get it. They put their hand up and indicate which city they are from.)

I am attending, and heavily participating in, an International conference for my job. This is a predominantly female crowd. Shocker, I know.

As we were chatting at lunch, the women around the table started discussing the husbands/men in their lives and how they were handling the 4-5 days that most of us were gone from our homes. And most of them were not faring too well and we were only on day 2. Some were panicking during the AM rush. Others had no idea how to coordinate afternoon pick up. And some were surviving on pizza alone.

And frankly, there I sat. Nothing to say. You see, I have traveled for every job I have had since I can remember. When Joe found me in life, traveling for work was pretty much part of the deal. I travel, he travels. We mark it on the calendar, we balance, we survive. We chat on the phone once a day, not 10 times a day, and we get it done. Yes, I cooked like a crazy woman on Sunday before I left and he BEST eat that food, but that was about it. (Joe, get that? Eat the damn food)

So this is an Ode to my Husband. The amazing, cool, supportive guy that I married who loves me in all my feminist quirkiness. We are a 50/50 household which enables both of us to excel at our jobs, while ensuring we can be the best version of ourselves that we can be.

I nominated Joe for “Buffalo’s Best Husband” and he didn’t win but I thought I would share my nomination of him. Keep reading and the next time you see my quiet, kind husband-pat him on the back. He is married to me afterall. 

I dreamed of marrying the guy who knew which section of the paper I read first on Sunday mornings. I never dreamed I would find someone like Joe. In the 7 years that we have been married we have had a son, my father battled cancer, I had health issues, we both took on new jobs and every step of the way Joe was the rock.

He is my partner in all things and is my greatest cheerleader. He brings me flowers “just because”, tells me I’m beautiful, makes me laugh until I cry and claps the loudest when I give a speech. When my job is challenging and takes a lot of time, he is there. When my health leaves me in tears, he is there. We dream big, have fun and get through everything that life sends our way. Together.

Joe is underestimated by many because he is usually the quietest one in the room, but I know he is the one who has the strongest beliefs, the most compassion and the biggest dreams of what is possible for him and our family. Our son is growing up to be such a funny, kind and compassionate little man. A reflection of his father, our love and the exceptional parent that Joe is.

Over the years Joe has lost almost 100 pounds, is a marathon runner, volunteers his time and balances it all. He inspires me to be a better person.

Marriage isn’t easy. It takes work, commitment, communication, love and a whole lot of laughs. It’s finding joy in the mundane, while never losing sight of your dreams.  I’m honored to be his wife. Someone else may win “Buffalo’s Best Husband” but I know he is the best thing that ever happened to me and that’s all that matters.

 

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Creative Space

Posted on 6 April, 2013 by Heather

We used to have a guest room. After living here and having had 2 guests in 3 years I realized that I deserved an office. So I converted said guest room into an office using the old changing table as a shelf, an antique dining room table of my Gram’s as my desk and tolerated the baby yellow from the previous owners. For 2 years.

Until recently I was fine with it and then I started to crave a space of my own. Not one that was shared, had toys in the corner or was a color both me and the husband liked. Nope, one to call my own. I wanted it to fuel my writing, a place to recenter myself and a room that felt like mine. It is like when you had your own apartment and you walked in and you could feel it was your place. I wanted that room in my house for me and because we have the room, I was excited to create the space.

I started to refinish tables, think about what I wanted it to feel like and the components came together slowly. I wanted it to feel like an escape.  A tropical spot where I could work towards the dreams we have set for our family (hi, beach) and also work hard at my job and this little blog. And simultaneously, I am working on a blog rebrand which not so surprisingly looks and feels a lot like my office.

And the wall color I picked is called “Beach Blanket”. Shocker.

If you follow me on Instagram you have seen these pics already.

DeskOffice Chair

It has been finished merely days but I’m loving it. I am drawn to it’s warmth and comfiness, and it is centering me as I wanted it to.

I share this with you because I ask, do you have your own little space? Is there a place in your home that you go to that feels like yours? It could be a chair, a shelf of special memories or a room that I am lucky enough to have. Or does your home reflect you and your dreams? I didn’t realize how much I would love it until I had it, and how much it truly was needed.

And in the process I rediscovered some awesome CD’s that I haven’t played in years. Pre-itunes. Rusted Root anyone?

 

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Lean In- My Perspective Part 1

Posted on 17 March, 2013 by Heather
Cover of the Book "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg

Cover of the Book “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg

For me, this past week was like Christmas. With the release of Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In”  the media, both locally and nationally wanted to talk about women’s issues. Finally. The pundits were out in force, sound bites a plenty but above all Sheryl took the chance to lean in herself and wrote this book and for that, I am grateful. We were having the conversation and THAT is a step in the right direction.

Full disclosure, I am only a few chapters into the book. I have decided to write a series of blog posts about it all in real time of my reading it because I think it’s THAT essential. I have had countless emails from friends stating “What do you think?” “Is the Foundation going to do anything about the circles?” “The media is attacking her. What do you think about that?” Oh, I have so many thoughts.

I had 2 television interviews this past week- one live and one taped. In both of those instances this book came up and I was happy to discuss it. For once, everyone is talking about the SAME THING! And it is my driving passion to keep the conversation alive.

My first instinct about the book, and Sheryl, is that I feel like she wrote this book from my mind and from the minds of any woman. She is smart, yet has lacked confidence at times. She knows what it feels like to be counted out, and not spoken to in meetings, because she’s a woman. She’s one of the most powerful women in the world yet the media is still attacking her and frankly, I won’t buy into their sound bites. What they are doing is exactly what she talks about in the book that happens as a woman in the workplace.

I want to preface something. This book is relatable to women in the workplace, but I also feel like it is relatable to women who stay at home with their children. While they may not know what it feels like at the current moment to be outcast at the conference room table in a workplace per say, but they do know what it’s like to be outcast amongst other women and men and I believe what she talks about in this book is transferable. Every woman can relate and can learn something from this book. And every single woman can give you at least one example where they were thought lesser of because they were, in fact, a woman.

I would like to start this conversation from this quote from the book; “Author Ken Auletta….observed that for women ‘self-doubt becomes a form of self-defense’. In order to protect ourselves from being disliked, we question our abilities and downplay our achievements, especially in the presence of others. We put ourselves down before others can.”

So from that quote I would say, forget about what you are hearing in the press to doubt your reasons for picking up this book. If you are a woman, pick it up. Read it. Highlight it. Reflect on your own experiences as you process Sheryl’s reflections because when we are honest with each other as women we will finally make progress.

Because frankly, men in the workplace are not always the worst enemy. Our minds, our fear and our own self-doubt can be our worst enemy. And frankly, other women are pretty cruel too. Read on and let’s reflect on the journey together.

 

 

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Karma in the Cosmos

Posted on 7 March, 2013 by Heather

Have you ever had a moment or experience where you realize at the deepest level that you are living at exactly when and where you are supposed to be? Some people may experience this daily, or just have that overall feeling every day of their life.

Me, I’m not that girl. I literally need a frying pan over my head. I mean, don’t get me wrong I trust that my path is leading me along how I’m supposed to be and that overall I believe in a higher power that guides me but in my day to day stupidly hectic and overly stressful life- I don’t think that deep.

In an attempt to be more present and focused on this side of life, I started read Gabby Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles” this morning. This prompted some deep thoughts and reflection at, oh 5:43 am. Fast forward to lunch.

I had a long standing lunch appoinment with a colleague turned friend (don’t you love those??!!) when she literally, not kidding, said something to me in our deep conversation that I had thought in the exact same words that morning as I was laying in bed. Exact same words- said in my head. Hello frying pan across said head.

It brought tears to my eyes. The cosmos was speaking and I was all ears. It’s hard to explain but if you have ever experienced something like this and are present enough to realize it, it’s pretty amazing.

I was grateful for the presence of mind, openness to hear it and for my friend who had some special insights to share- all over my plate of gluten free spaghetti at lunch.

I’m really glad I slowed down enough to “get it”. Usually I don’t.

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Whirlwind Week of Women & Parenting

Posted on 3 March, 2013 by Heather

I had one of those weeks that pretty much sums up my life. Parenting. Women. Exhaustion.

I decided to share this week with all of you because as always I think so many of you can relate. And because many of you have already been supportive. Over the past few weeks we have noticed a huge change in our son’s behavior. He’s 5 (almost 6) and is in kindergarten. I have been getting the dreaded ‘call’ from the teacher. Notes going back and forth. Happened before break. He seemed back to his old self over break, to have the behavior return this week.

I am not going to go into the details of what he’s doing but why I’m sharing this is because of course I’m reading some books (John Rosemond-whom I agree with on many accounts) and doing research on-line. But most of all I wanted to share that my husband and I are trusting our instincts. We know him best. We are trying to figure out what will head us in the right direction but being our own advocates with the school, but knowing our son the most allows us to trust our instincts and figure out what works best. Parenting is always like being a detective, but when there are bumps in the road you don’t realize how tired they make you, your family and your little one. So as I say, we circled the wagons and got back to being a simple family. It really is all that matters anyways.

As for the women part, March is Women’s History Month. Friday was a day jam packed with awesome events with some of the most dynamic women in WNY. Senator Gillibrand spoke, a new non-profit opened its doors, networking Happy Hour with over 100 women and yesterday I spoke about being a woman leader in the work place to a group of undergratudate students at the University at Buffalo. Exciting. Exhilarating. Exhausting.

My theory holds true. Women are more alike than different. We talked about insecurities, exciting opportunities, business ideas, balancing work and life, passion for change and maybe a few stories that made me laugh so hard I cried. Speaking to a group of students really opened my eyes to how much I may have hardened over the years. Do I still have that same optimism that they have? The answer was no, not nearly enough. While they may be nervous for the unknowns to them, that are known to me now, I still have my nervous unknowns too.

So I am grateful for all the experiences of the week- good, bad and everything in between. We are more alike than different. Parenting sure as hell isn’t easy, and neither is being a woman. But both are totally worth the ride.

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Time

Posted on 18 February, 2013 by Heather

Today I have a day off with Logan. Just the two of us. I had plans to do some errands, head to Wegmans, play- nothing out of the ordinary. As we were playing dance party an idea just came right into my brain. Home videos. I said to Logan, “Do you want to watch your old baby videos?” And with that, we took a trip back in time.

As my 50 pound boy sat on my lap and I was watching a video of him at the age of 2 I was struck at how much I feel like time is standing still when in essence it’s whizzing past me. I am terrible at slowing down, but I crave it. I have made it a goal to simplify  this year, but sometimes it feels so out of reach. My baby to big boy is a perfect example of time flying by.

In recent weeks I have been taking a journey through my ideas and by listening to my heart about what I truly want in life. I have started to move in that direction, but I get stuck. I lose sight sometimes and think “I’ll get to that later”. Well, in those videos – today is that “later”.

I went to two funerals last week and in their homilies I took away lessons about what really matters to us in our life, our love. How do we want to be remembered? What do we want our life to mean? Those two men wanted more time. All their families want is time with them again.

So the dreams on my heart need time to come to fruition but that later is now. It’s time for me to run towards what I truly want, not away from something I want to leave. Here’s to taking the time to make it happen. Time is what we all want more of, so it’s time for me to use it more wisely.

 

 

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Shapes and Sizes

Posted on 26 January, 2013 by Heather

A little bit of mojo has been found but not all the way. More to come another day on that subject.

I talk a lot about food, health and life on this little space but I don’t talk much about size. You know, your pant size, shirt size- hell even my bra size. Today I read an amazing blog post by  Brittany Herself and I’m not gonna lie, I cried. For years I hung my happiness on what size pants I was wearing and after a while, frankly, that shit gets old.

I have never been a small girl, not by a long shot. I wasn’t the biggest girl either, but I can never remember a day in my life where I didn’t think about my size. It was never about health, it was always about vanity.

I remember going on my first diet when I was in 4th grade. I lost 10 pounds. The fact that I even remember that is scary. I was a dancer my whole life and was told that I couldn’t be a professional dancer because I “wasn’t skinny enough”. If I added up all the money I spent on Weight Watchers through the years I could have taken 3 Carribbean vacations this year. When I was pregnant I gained 50 pounds. I can go on and on.

In each of the pictures below I can tell you how much I weighed when they were taken.

2006

2006

2007

2007

Summer 2012

Summer 2012- Pre- Sarah Kay Hoffman

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2012- After Sarah came in my life

And you know what, I know I’m the norm. I know so many women, and men, who have spent the larger part of their life thinking about their size. When I reached a peak last year in weight I realized that I had stopped buying pretty bras, never went shopping for clothes and had more negative self talk coming out verbally than ever before in my life.  I stopped going to the gym because I didn’t like working out around people and I hid in my clothes.

And then I made the decision to do something. I hired Sarah as my coach, started working on HEALING instead of worrying about my size and point values on foods and started living my life again. I threw out all my ugly bras and bought all new ones with -GASP -lace. I tried on old clothes that actually fit. And trusted myself in the process of knowing that I was getting healthier but I was always the beautiful woman I am, regardless of my pant size.

Many of my old habits come back when I’m tired or sick or stressed but I know that I know better. I’m less ashamed, more proud and a little less obsessed with what I look like and think more about how I feel. My husband has loved me the same at 225 pounds as he did when I weighed 160 pounds. Right now I weigh 185 pounds and wear a size 14 (a 12 on a good day!). He still loves me the same and at 225 pounds he loved me more than I loved myself.

And you know what, I like myself better now than when I was 160 pounds. I’ve lived more life, had more laughs, given birth, traveled more and became wiser. I know I’m only going to get healthier and if that means smaller in size, great. And if not, well for the first time in my life I can say I would be fine with that too because I’m proud of who I am and most days I think I’m beautiful.

And like Brittany, I too have pretty fabulous hair.

 

 

 

 

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