Shapes and Sizes

A little bit of mojo has been found but not all the way. More to come another day on that subject.

I talk a lot about food, health and life on this little space but I don’t talk much about size. You know, your pant size, shirt size- hell even my bra size. Today I read an amazing blog post by  Brittany Herself and I’m not gonna lie, I cried. For years I hung my happiness on what size pants I was wearing and after a while, frankly, that shit gets old.

I have never been a small girl, not by a long shot. I wasn’t the biggest girl either, but I can never remember a day in my life where I didn’t think about my size. It was never about health, it was always about vanity.

I remember going on my first diet when I was in 4th grade. I lost 10 pounds. The fact that I even remember that is scary. I was a dancer my whole life and was told that I couldn’t be a professional dancer because I “wasn’t skinny enough”. If I added up all the money I spent on Weight Watchers through the years I could have taken 3 Carribbean vacations this year. When I was pregnant I gained 50 pounds. I can go on and on.

In each of the pictures below I can tell you how much I weighed when they were taken.

2006

2006

2007

2007

Summer 2012

Summer 2012- Pre- Sarah Kay Hoffman

Thanksgiving 2012

Thanksgiving 2012- After Sarah came in my life

And you know what, I know I’m the norm. I know so many women, and men, who have spent the larger part of their life thinking about their size. When I reached a peak last year in weight I realized that I had stopped buying pretty bras, never went shopping for clothes and had more negative self talk coming out verbally than ever before in my life.  I stopped going to the gym because I didn’t like working out around people and I hid in my clothes.

And then I made the decision to do something. I hired Sarah as my coach, started working on HEALING instead of worrying about my size and point values on foods and started living my life again. I threw out all my ugly bras and bought all new ones with -GASP -lace. I tried on old clothes that actually fit. And trusted myself in the process of knowing that I was getting healthier but I was always the beautiful woman I am, regardless of my pant size.

Many of my old habits come back when I’m tired or sick or stressed but I know that I know better. I’m less ashamed, more proud and a little less obsessed with what I look like and think more about how I feel. My husband has loved me the same at 225 pounds as he did when I weighed 160 pounds. Right now I weigh 185 pounds and wear a size 14 (a 12 on a good day!). He still loves me the same and at 225 pounds he loved me more than I loved myself.

And you know what, I like myself better now than when I was 160 pounds. I’ve lived more life, had more laughs, given birth, traveled more and became wiser. I know I’m only going to get healthier and if that means smaller in size, great. And if not, well for the first time in my life I can say I would be fine with that too because I’m proud of who I am and most days I think I’m beautiful.

And like Brittany, I too have pretty fabulous hair.

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Shapes and Sizes

  1. I always remember seeing you as a strong, confident, smart and beautiful woman in college. Glad your seeing that in yourself!! Oh and I always thought you had great hair….sorry if I never told you :)

    1. Thanks Alicia. What’s interesting, I think for all of us, is that what people see on the outside may not be what we feel on the inside. So I write for that reason. I appreciate the compliments. Very kind of you.

    1. Someday you will get to meet my Joe. He really is as great as I say he is. Thanks for being a party of my circle. You have been a huge part of my evolution. Forever grateful. xo

  2. 176 lady. And feel the exact same way about my weight every day. You look fabulous always, but are so right about how much we think of these things every day. Its torture. I hate clothes shopping and I used to be a fasionista. the truth is I think we are all pretty cute. Just need to remind ourselves from time to time. I need to hear more about this fab lady. P.s. good clevage saves all. Lol

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