A little bit of mojo has been found but not all the way. More to come another day on that subject.
I talk a lot about food, health and life on this little space but I don’t talk much about size. You know, your pant size, shirt size- hell even my bra size. Today I read an amazing blog post by Brittany Herself and I’m not gonna lie, I cried. For years I hung my happiness on what size pants I was wearing and after a while, frankly, that shit gets old.
I have never been a small girl, not by a long shot. I wasn’t the biggest girl either, but I can never remember a day in my life where I didn’t think about my size. It was never about health, it was always about vanity.
I remember going on my first diet when I was in 4th grade. I lost 10 pounds. The fact that I even remember that is scary. I was a dancer my whole life and was told that I couldn’t be a professional dancer because I “wasn’t skinny enough”. If I added up all the money I spent on Weight Watchers through the years I could have taken 3 Carribbean vacations this year. When I was pregnant I gained 50 pounds. I can go on and on.
In each of the pictures below I can tell you how much I weighed when they were taken.
And you know what, I know I’m the norm. I know so many women, and men, who have spent the larger part of their life thinking about their size. When I reached a peak last year in weight I realized that I had stopped buying pretty bras, never went shopping for clothes and had more negative self talk coming out verbally than ever before in my life. I stopped going to the gym because I didn’t like working out around people and I hid in my clothes.
And then I made the decision to do something. I hired Sarah as my coach, started working on HEALING instead of worrying about my size and point values on foods and started living my life again. I threw out all my ugly bras and bought all new ones with -GASP -lace. I tried on old clothes that actually fit. And trusted myself in the process of knowing that I was getting healthier but I was always the beautiful woman I am, regardless of my pant size.
Many of my old habits come back when I’m tired or sick or stressed but I know that I know better. I’m less ashamed, more proud and a little less obsessed with what I look like and think more about how I feel. My husband has loved me the same at 225 pounds as he did when I weighed 160 pounds. Right now I weigh 185 pounds and wear a size 14 (a 12 on a good day!). He still loves me the same and at 225 pounds he loved me more than I loved myself.
And you know what, I like myself better now than when I was 160 pounds. I’ve lived more life, had more laughs, given birth, traveled more and became wiser. I know I’m only going to get healthier and if that means smaller in size, great. And if not, well for the first time in my life I can say I would be fine with that too because I’m proud of who I am and most days I think I’m beautiful.
And like Brittany, I too have pretty fabulous hair.